In which there is sadness then there is joy
by ascoolsuchasi
Summary: Charles has a secondary mutation and that very mutation pushes his and Erik's relationship to edge. Spoilers: there's a stupidly happy ending at the end of this rainbow.
1. Not Gonna Know You

**Warnings **for miscarriage and mpreg (male pregnancy).

The full title actually is "I'm Not Gonna You, But I'm Gonna Love You Anyways", but won't let the title be so long. Title is taken from the song _Waltz #2_ by Elliot Smith.

* * *

><p>I'm Not Gonna Love You, But I'm Gonna Love You Anyways<p>

"Fuck you."

It catches Erik off guard. Charles never curses. Never.

"Pardon?"

Charles' eyes narrow.

"I said 'fuck you'."

And he leaves the room, with a slam to the door.

"_You have such wonderful eyes. Perfect EYCL1 mutation. Absolutely groovy."_

_Erik laughs full and hearty. He sets down his scotch._

_"You're drunk Charles. Let's get you back home, yes?"_

Erik's at a bar, alone. Hand on his tumbler, and he's not really thinking of anything. It's been a week since Cuba and a week since Charles has said anything to him.

He sighs.

"What's beating you?" It's the bartender. A pretty young thing.

He looks up at her.

"Don't you have drinks to serve." It's a question and a statement and something else entirely.

She snorts.

"There ain't anyone in here but you, darling. It's two in the afternoon."

Erik looks to his glass.

"Fill this up, yes?"

She takes the glass from him with a roll of the eyes.

"Sure."

_Charles gasps as Erik's pushes into him._

_"Oh god…Oh..."_

_Grip tightening, toes curling._

Charles has been holed up on his study. He doesn't eat, he doesn't sleep, he doesn't do anything. Just stares at the wall, and sometimes the floor, and relives _it._

Raven tries to talk to him but he doesn't listen.

_"Charles," He sounds lost and small._

_"Yeah?" Charles rolls onto his side, looking at Erik, a soft smile on his face._

_"This isn't going to change anything is it?"_

_Charles laughs and shakes his head._

_"No, my friend. This could never change anything."_

Erik's in Charles' room, sitting on his bed. He looks around the room. He doesn't understand it; doesn't understand why.

_"_What did I do?" It's said aloud and it's said quietly. "Charles…"

He sleeps, but barely, in Charles' room that night.

_They're back to normal after that. No long lasting glances. No extra touches. Just friends. They just put it up to a fluke. A loss of control caused by inebriation._

_It's the day after, that Erik pushes Sean off the satellite, and laughs when the teen flies._

Raven watches Erik pace through the halls. Sometimes she's tempted to tell him. Most of the time though, she just wants to shake him, yell at him _'HOW THE FUCK COULD YOU DO SOMETHING LIKE THAT?'_ And she's not quite sure what that something is. If it was him almost going against everyone or if it's-

She decides that she won't do anything. Won't say anything. It's not for her to tell.

_"Listen to me closely, my friend: killing Shaw will not bring you peace."_

_He half chuckles. Oh Charles, you can be so naive, he thinks._

_"Peace was never an option."_

_Charles leans forward and wets his bottom lip. His hands find Erik's face and pulls him closer._

Two weeks pass.

Charles stands in front of Erik's door. It's some time past midnight. He opens the door with shaky hands.

It's dark in the room, and he can barely make out Erik's figure on the bed.

He climbs in, and lays close to Erik. Puts his arm around his middle, and into his neck he whispers I'm sorry, so sorry. We lost her. I'm sorry. Forgetting that Erik doesn't know. Forgetting that Erik can't hear him.

_"Erik, they're just following orders."_

_"Erik, be the better man."_

_"Erik please."_

_"Erik-"_

_And the words fall on deaf ears. He does the only thing that he can think of._

It's been two and half weeks since Cuba.

Charles can't look at Erik in the eyes, but they're talking. Even if they talk to walls to talk to each other, they're still talking.

_He's hit Erik, and they're both on the ground. Erik on top of him, grabbing at him, choking him. And he's trying, reaching, hoping to get that damned helmet off him._

_If only I could reach…If only..._

It's three weeks and finally, Charles thinks he might be able to tell Erik.

They're outside, just walking.

Charles turns to Erik, when they stop. Somehow they've found themselves in front of the satellite.

"Erik I…" He looks up, eyes slightly watery. "Do you remember the night when we…well, you know."

There's an almost smile on Erik's face.

He nods.

"Yeah." He looks down to Charles.

Charles bites his bottom lip.

"I…" He reaches out for Erik's hand then he stops, pulls his arm back. "We had…"

"What is it Charles?"

Charles takes a deep breathe, but it's not enough. He takes another.

"My friend, we…" A tear rolls down his face. "We had a baby." And the words feel weird coming out.

Erik just stares.

_Something clicks in Charles when he's fighting with Erik. _

_Oh. I'm pregnant. _

_Then he corrects himself._

_Oh. I was._

_He doesn't quite understand, there's a disconnect. And it's an outer body experience. He can hear someone screaming._

_Then he realises it's him; he's the one screaming. He also realises that Erik's stopped whatever he was doing. Now just staring at him, wide eyed. _

_The bombs drop to the water._

_It's an odd feeling. The loss of something that was living inside you. You loose a piece of yourself as well._

It's three weeks after the beach and everyone is dressed in their nicest of clothes. No, one's in black. They all had an unsaid agreement. Colours because it was a sign that life had existed. That it was there. No black. Never black. Black would only hold the void open and suck everyone in.

Charles is kneeling on the floor. Erik by his side, tracing the words on the stone.

"We're still going to be…together? Yeah?" It's Erik and just above a whisper.

Charles leans against Erik and Erik leans against Charles.

"Yeah…"

"I'm sure she would have been lovely." And it doesn't feel like the right thing to say, but Hank says it anyways.

Sean is the one to put some tulips down.

Raven is the one that's silent. In some sort of awe and crying.

Alex is the one that says the right thing:

Sometimes, there are people that are too good for this world.

_It's the night they get back to Westchester._

_"Raven…" _

_Charles is pale, tears welling in his eyes._

_"Yeah?" _

_"I think…I just…It was…" He breaks down._

_Raven scoots closer to him, puts her arms around his._

_"What is it? Charles? What?" Concern dripping from every word._

_"…I- felt- and just…She's gone. She's gone."_

_Raven's brows knit together, confused._

_"What? Who's gone? Charles, talk to me, you need to talk to me. Who?" She's holding him tighter._

_"I didn't know she was…" He's crying, sobbing; voice broken and eyes red and puffy. "I felt her. And now she's…"_

_"Charles." She pulls back enough to see how face. "Charles tell me. What happened. Who are you talking about?"_

_"My…Erik's…I was…And I-" He's shaking, can barely talk. "Mi-miscarried."_

_"What? Charles you couldn't have. You were never….You can't. You're a-a guy. And Erik?"_

_"Didn't know, but I can. And I did and now she's…I can't Raven, I just."_

_She pulls Charles to her in a hug, pulls him tight against her, and rubs circles into his back. Tears in her eyes._

_"Shh, it's okay, it's all right. You're okay. Does Eri….No, shhh, it's okay, it's okay. It's going to be all right." _

It's been a year since Cuba.

Charles still won't have sex, can't stand the idea that _it_ might happen again. And Erik's okay with that, he swears he is, because, he can't stand the idea either.

But it's getting better. Really, it is.


	2. A Sorta Fairytale

**Warnings** for somewhat graphic detail of a caesarean section, and mpreg (male pregnancy)

Title taken from the song _A Sorta Fairytale_ by Tori Amos.

There's a small bit of German in this one; you don't necessarily need to know the language to understand it.

* * *

><p>Erik is holding Charles. They're just lying on a bed, hidden away in the mansion.<p>

Erik's hand trails over Charles side, his head resting just behind Charles'.

"Do you think that..." Charles' voice is soft, almost timid. "Maybe we could."

Erik's hand stops moving.

"Are you sure, Charles?

Charles sighs.

"I think so." His words are slow, deliberate. His eyes are closed. "I think we can."

Charles' hands find Erik's. "It has been three years."

Erik pulls away and looks down to Charles, studying him.

"Only if you really do want this. Only if you're ready."

Charles' smile is some mix of knowing, love, and something a little bit sad.

"I am."

He leans up to fix his lips against Erik's.

_There's so much blood. It covers everything. Charles, Hank, the gurney, everything. Hank doesn't think he's every seen so much. _

_But he can't freak out. He has to be strong. Meticulous and calculating. One wrong move and- _

_He shudders. He can't think about that. Erik's in the other room, waiting, pacing, wanting. Wanting Charles, wanting his-_

_Babies? Hank stares for a moment, dumbfounded. _How the-what? _He shakes himself and reaches for a scalpel. It doesn't matter. He needs to finish this up quick._

It's been three weeks and finally, Charles thinks he might be able to tell Erik.

They're outside, just walking.

Charles turns to Erik, when they stop. Somehow they've found themselves in front of the satellite.

"Erik I…" He looks up, eyes slightly watery. "I-I..."

Erik cocks his head to the side.

"What is it?" He looks down to Charles.

Charles bites his bottom lip.

"I…" He reaches out for Erik's hand, griping tight. "We…"

"What is it Charles?"

Charles takes a deep breathe, but it's not enough. He takes another.

"My friend, we…" A tear rolls down his face and he smiles, all teeth. "We're having a baby."

Erik stops breathing for a moment.

"_Look at them! Erik, look at them!" _

_Charles winces as he tries to sit up. Erik places a hand on his chest a lightly pushes._

"_Oh no no no no no. Charles lay back down."_

_Charles looks up at Erik and pouts._

"_You're not looking Erik. They're beautiful. Look. Please Erik."_

_Erik smiles, his hand finding Charles', then looking down to the carrying baskets. His smiles grows wider and his other hand finds its way to one of the children._

"_They are. Beautiful, that is. Gorgeous. Wonderful. Everything I cou-" He stops himself. "What are their names?"_

_Charles licks his lips. He looks to them._

"_Maybe...Any-"_

"_No." Erik turns to Charles. "We can't. She was...you-we just can't. We won't Charles- won't torture ourselves like that. You'd never be able to look at her-"_

"_I know." It's only just above a whisper. "I know. How about you parents, then? We can name them after-"_

_Erik shakes his head no._

"_Well we're not naming them after mine."_

_Charles looks down to his lap. _

"_We could name her after Magd-" It's just barely a whisper._

"_No. You were never supposed to-" He shakes his head as his voice cracks. "Just no." _

_The two are silent for a minute. Charles grips at Erik's hand tighter._

"_How about Alfred and Martha?"_

_Erik's eyes widen and laughs, his saddened demeanour vanishing._

"_For the love of-No! Charles, we are not naming them after geneticists."_

_Charles' brow furrows._

"_But they're perfectly respectable names."_

"_Charles."_

"_Okay, okay. Fine. Then what?"_

"_I don't know."_

_Charles looks to his sleeping children. He notices that the bald one-the girl has somehow rolled more less to the edge of the carrier._

"_She's quite the little wanderer, yes?"_

_Erik smiles a little and scots the baby towards the centre of the carrier._

"_Mmm, she is."_

_A light goes off in Charles' head. An epiphany._

"_What if we name her after that?"_

"_After what? Wanderer?"_

_Charles nods. _

"_Yeah. It's brilliant. What names mean that?" Charles thinks for a moment, eyes closed. His eyes snap open. "Perrin! We could name her that."_

_Erik looks incredulously over at Charles._

"_Really? You really think we could have a daughter named Perrin?"_

"_Well, I don't see anything wrong with it. How about Wendell?"_

"_Charles," He puts a hand on Charles' shoulder. He leans in to kiss him. "you are the absolute worst. But, that does give me an idea."_

"_Oh?"_

"_Yes. Wanda. Do you like it? It's German. I knew someone in the-I knew someone very kind named that."_

_Charles looks to Erik for a moment, studying him. He smiles a little and he puts his hand on Erik's, squeezes lightly._

"_That sounds wonderful. How about for the other one."_

"_I don't think he's moved once since he fell asleep. He's like a...like a rock."_

_Charles laughs full and loud._

"_How about Alan? Fredrick?"_

"_Erik, love, you are worse than me. How about something more...Pietro. How about that?"_

"_Pietro." Erik mulls over the name. "Pietro. I like it." He smiles._

"_There we have it then." Charles smiles down the sleeping babies. "Pietro and Wanda."_

"_Perfection."_

_They both laugh._

Charles is looking down at his belly and pouting

"My sweaters don't fit anymore."

Erik laughs.

"It's cute."

Charles glares at him.

"That's because your clothes still fit." Charles sighs. "Could I possibly borrow a shirt?"

Erik smiles and nods.

"What's mine is your's, Liebling."

"...And some trousers?"

Erik walks over to Charles and hugs him. Charles tucks his head under Erik's.

"Of course."

"My back hurts." Charles mutters.

Erik kisses his head and runs his hands over Charles' back.

"_How do we tell them apart?"_

"_Sean you idiot, Wanda's the one without hair! Pietro has that little white tuft thing going on. You know, looks like an old man."_

"_Raven! My son does not look like an old man." Charles scolds. _

_Raven throws her hands up in mock surrender._

"_S'not my fault you birthed an old-man-baby."_

"_I did not!"_

"_He's got white hair."_

"What will you do if she isn't a mutant? If she's human."

"What do you mean?" Though Erik knows exactly what Charles is talking about.

"Erik. I just - what will - I need to know that you'll love her." _That you'll still love me._

"I...Who are you talking about?"

"Our child, you bastard. I need to know that you won't - that you'll still care for her if she's human." _That you won't leave._

"Charles -"

"Just answer me." His hands balled in fists, shaking.

"I - This stress! Charles, you can't be stressed like this. Think of the baby. Think-"

"Erik. Answer. Me."

Erik relents.

"I -"

Charles' entire body is shaking slightly now. "Say it. Tell me, that if our baby's human, that you'll still love her. That you'll still lo - That you won't leave."

Erik walk towards Charles and envelops him. His presses his lips to his temple.

"I swear to you. Whether she's mutant, human, or - or something in between I will love you both. I will stay. I wi-"

"Thank you."

_Charles wakes up with a start. He gasps and grabs at his chest. Images of a dark forest and monsters and a hollow moon still flitting through his mind. _

_Feelings of dread and fear and something else entirely fill his body and choke him._

_His heart is beating ten times too fast._

_He turns over in bed and shakes Erik._

"_Wake up! Erik, Erik! Wake up. You bloody wa-"_

"_What Charles?"_

"_The-the kids. I think. Ohgod. Erik. Nightmares. So vivid. We've got to-got to-"_

"_Shush, it's okay Charles. It's okay. Just dreams." He wraps his arms around Charles. "Who is it? Sean? Alex?"_

_Charles shakes his head no so hard that he felt dizzy._

"_Nononononono. It's Pietro. Erik. God we have to go."_

_And he jumps out of the bed before Erik could process what was said._

They're standing in the kitchen. Raven's sitting on the counter, much to Charles' disdain, and Charles, himself, is standing, wringing his hands together.

"So are you going to tell me why you've suddenly gained a small beer belly and wearing Erik's clothes?"

"I..." Charles bites his lip and flushes slightly. "I didn't realize it was so noticeable..."

Rave glares at Charles.

"Really. Of course it is, you idiot." She rolls her eyes. "When one suddenly where's their boyfriend's clothes to cover up their newly acquired we-"

"Raven! Don't say that!"

"What?"

"_That._ God, Raven I'm too old to have a boyfriend. Erik's my - I don't know. Just not that. Don't say that."

"You're deflecting." She states it with a roll of her eyes. "You haven't picked up on stress eating again, have you?"

"What? No, I-" Charles tries looking at anything but Raven and fails. "I'm...Come here. Jumped down from the counter. Please."

A moment passes, then Raven acquiesces. She walks forward and stops just short of looming over Charles.

"What is it?"

Charles wets his lips.

"Give me your hands."

"O-kay..." She reaches out towards Charles, who takes her hands and places them to his stomach. "Charles what are you - Oh my god." Her eyes go wide. "Charles, is that what I-"

He nods and smiles.

"Yes. I'm - well. Yes. It is."

She steps closer to Charles and wraps him in a hug.

"Oh, Charles. Why didn't you tell me earlier?"

"I wanted to make sure that - I didn't want..."

She nods and kisses his cheek.

"Don't worry. I -you did the right - I understand." She smiles wide. "I'm going to be an aunt. Charles! You're going to be a father. This is just so-"

"Great. Yes. I still can't believe that this is - that this is really happening."

"_Papa, w-why are we standing out here? It's c-cold."_

_Erik looks down to Wanda. _

"_Because it's important to daddy, sweetie."_

_Wanda cocks her head and looks to Charles with narrowed eyes._

"_Why?"_

_Erik kneels down._

"_Come here."_

_Wanda stumbles towards Erik and falls into his chest. Erik wraps his arms around her and picks her up. He kisses her forehead lightly then whispers:_

"_Because daddy and I used to know someone...very important and she isn't - she lives - she..."_

"_Papa?"_

_Erik hugs her tighter to himself._

"_Because this very important person - she left and...There, that stone." Erik shifts Wanda to hold her on his side and with a free arm points to the gravestone. "That stone is what she left us to remember her by."_

_Wanda was quiet for a moment. Just looking down at it. _

"_Why did she leaf?" It's Pietro that asks. He had been sitting on the ground pulling at the grass, but now he's standing and staring up at Erik._

"_Leave, Liebling." Erik corrects her. "She left because...because she was just to -"_

"_Because, my child," Charles interrupts, holding out his arms for Pietro. "she was -" he stops when his voice breaks. "Because she was - just, some people are too good to - be here...with us."_

_Wanda's brow furrows. "That makes no sense."_

_Charles wipes at his eyes and smiles something bittersweet. _

"_Many things don't make sense, Wanda." He looks to Erik. "Come on, let's go, love."_

_He shakes his head. "No, but I think Sean has him and Wanda outside. Maybe even Warrington and Jean."_

_Charles smiles. "Thank you Hank."_

_Charles is almost to the door when Hank calls him out._

"_Yes Hank?"_

"_It's...Just - it's nice."_

"_What is?"_

"_This whole -" Hank waves his arms about. "this whole thing. The children. The school. You seem a lot happier. It's just nice."_

_Charles grins wide and happy. "Thank you Hank. I - you really helped." He pats Hank's back and goes to the door._

He's sitting in the grass, one hand on his belly and the other on her gravestone. There are tears in his eyes.

"I miss you." His fingers trace over the stone. "Anya. I miss you. So much, my baby. So much."

The tears that previously threatened to fall are now running free and leaving just-barely-there traces on his cheeks.

"You would have been three this year. And you wou-" He shakes his head. The hand on his belly rubs in small circles. He has an almost smile on his face. "You have a sister now. She's going to be beautiful. Just like you would've - Like you. Beautiful like you."

"_Das ist ein Äpfel." Erik points to the apple on the counter._

_The two children cock their heads to the side._

"_Ein Apfel?"_

"_Nein, Äpfel." He corrects and picks it up and takes a bit from it and swallows. "Du isst es."_

"_Ah!" Wanda claps. "Du isst Äpfel!"_

"_Spitze Wanda! Pietro?"_

"_...Ahhhhpfell?"_

"_So nah. Äpfel." Erik corrects._

"_Äpfel?"_

"_Ja! Äpfel!" He ruffles his son's hair. "Sehr gut, meine Kinder!"_

_Pietro smiles and sticks he's tongue out at Wanda. Wanda pokes Pietro._

"_Papa!"_

"_Kinder." Erik warns, but smiles light heartedly. He points to the door. "Dass ist Charles, deine Vatti."_

"_Hallo Vatti!" Wanda and Pietro chorus together._

_Charles walks into the kitchen to stand next to Erik._

"_Hallo Wanda, hallo Pietro. Wie ist ihr Lektion gehen?"_

_Wanda has a puzzled look on her face._

"_Was?" Pietro asks._

_Charles laughs and turns to Erik. _

"_And here I thought you were teaching them." He teases. He leans over the counter. "Lieblings, deine Papa ist sehr albern, ja?"_

"_Was ist 'albern'?"_

"_Silly, Wanda. Albern means silly."_

"_Ohhhhhh. Ja! Papa ist sehr albern!" Pietro laughs._

Charles is smiling and holding hands with Erik.

"I can't believe -"

Erik smiles and pulls Charles closer, wraps his arms around him. Kisses him softly.

"Love you."

Erik smiles wider and drops to his knees slowly. He looks up at Charles. He reaches into his coat pocket and pulls out a small box. He hands it to Charles.

Charles looks at the box curiously, then to Erik.

"What is this?"

"Just open it."

Charles does and gasps.

"Oh my god. Erik." His eyes are glistening. "This is...It's beautiful."

Erik stands up and pulls the ring out of the box. He slides the ring onto Charles finger.

_._

"So much, Erik. I love you." And leans up to kiss him.


End file.
